This just made me smile...I found my Sunny Street and my Silver Lining today...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
An unfortunate side effect...
Wednesday, Bird turns 15. She wants to get her learner's permit. I'm unsure of this. What would be the harm in her getting a learner's permit? I mean, I don't have to let her drive or anything. It's just a card with her picture on it like all the other 15 year olds are getting.
But she will want to drive and that scares me. This is the person who was telling me a long involved story while we were driving somewhere one night and stopped dead in the middle, bursting out, "Look! The moon!" She can't reach the pedals. Look up "distracted by shiny objects" in the dictionary and you'll find her smiling face.
So, what do I do?
She wants to get a job. I wonder who will hire her when she is so small and looks so young? How will she run a cash register?
So what do I do?
I worry, that's what I do. I'm a mom. I worry.
And I get her the driver book so she can study it and go take her written test and get her her learner's permit so she can be just like all the other 15 year olds with learner's permits. I don't have to let her drive yet. But she can have the little piece of plastic with her picture on it. Which, in all likelihood, she will lose but it will be a small price to pay for her to be just like all the other 15 year olds.
Because, in the end, she is 15. No matter what else is going on with her, she is 15. She will grow up, graduate from high school, God willing go to college and become whatever she wants to be and I have to stop protecting her some time. She's got to learn to stand, or fall, on her own. The falling part is what I worry about. She's not. She just gets herself back up, dusts herself off and keeps on going.
And I worry.
But she will want to drive and that scares me. This is the person who was telling me a long involved story while we were driving somewhere one night and stopped dead in the middle, bursting out, "Look! The moon!" She can't reach the pedals. Look up "distracted by shiny objects" in the dictionary and you'll find her smiling face.
So, what do I do?
She wants to get a job. I wonder who will hire her when she is so small and looks so young? How will she run a cash register?
So what do I do?
I worry, that's what I do. I'm a mom. I worry.
And I get her the driver book so she can study it and go take her written test and get her her learner's permit so she can be just like all the other 15 year olds with learner's permits. I don't have to let her drive yet. But she can have the little piece of plastic with her picture on it. Which, in all likelihood, she will lose but it will be a small price to pay for her to be just like all the other 15 year olds.
Because, in the end, she is 15. No matter what else is going on with her, she is 15. She will grow up, graduate from high school, God willing go to college and become whatever she wants to be and I have to stop protecting her some time. She's got to learn to stand, or fall, on her own. The falling part is what I worry about. She's not. She just gets herself back up, dusts herself off and keeps on going.
And I worry.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A new day
It is nearly 3 pm. I have so far today talked to my SO, washed some laundry, did the grocery shopping, got Bird up and doing some chores, updated the desktop (since it hasn't been on in weeks, it needs a LOT of updating).
The doggers are busily laying on the rug, shedding fur all over it. Good thing I haven't vacuummed yet or I would be irritated.
Need to make my list of things to do this week. Call the post office and see if I can find out why two extremely important pieces of information didn't get here to me. One was Bird's ADHD medication prescription. Enclosed with that was paperwork the doctor needed to fill out so I could get some help with copays. And it is lost somewhere. The school was thankful my wonderful sister in law was able to brave the terrors of driving down to Children's Hospital to pick up a replacement.
Another thing on my list is briefly beating myself up for not being able to deal better with my mother and not spending today with her before she moves. Not allowing myself to beat myself up more than for a few minutes. I've done what I could.
My next self-improvement project is quitting smoking. I'm only allowing myself a 5 pound weight gain in the next four months while I'm working on this.
Put up the ashtray. Tomorrow morning, smoking will only be allowed outside. That's gonna kill me. But that is the first step I am taking.
Tomorrow morning, back on the Wii regularly and using the resistance band, balance ball, weights, stepper. Create a schedule of when I'm doing what. Stick to it.
Also tomorrow, I call my doctor to find out why my diuretic refill is for half the dosage it has been for at least the last year. I had talked to him about starting to try to wean myself off but it hasn't been going well. My feet and legs still swell. After two days on the lower dosage, it was starting to hurt to walk and I had put on four pounds. I doubled up on it yesterday and today and the weight is back down and my legs feel better. I need to get in better shape and lose more weight before I try to reduce the dosage.
Work. Oh, that's a given. But, I'm looking forward to the week coming up after this one. Three day weekend, two day work week, four day weekend.
Get more work done figuring out the financial aid for college. I'm working on being able to take courses from Western Governor's University. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Bird is having gastrointestingal issues. I will have to wait until after the first of the year to take her to yet another specialist. Ice cream does it to her...but not all ice creams. Just the less expensive ones. And possibly Dairy Queen. Might have been the wedding cake at her cousin's wedding, too. Oh, and now it seems to be chocolate fudge pop tarts but not brown sugar cinnamon. We are keeping records and I am researching who to take her to. Allergist or gastroenterologist? I'm not sure.
Make a study place. Well, two of them. One for me and one for Bird.
Start learning to meditate. I need order in some aspect of my life. My mind and soul would be a good place to start.
And, on Wednesday, we have Subway for Bird's 15th birthday! I hope the cake I got for her doesn't mess with her tummy.
The doggers are busily laying on the rug, shedding fur all over it. Good thing I haven't vacuummed yet or I would be irritated.
Need to make my list of things to do this week. Call the post office and see if I can find out why two extremely important pieces of information didn't get here to me. One was Bird's ADHD medication prescription. Enclosed with that was paperwork the doctor needed to fill out so I could get some help with copays. And it is lost somewhere. The school was thankful my wonderful sister in law was able to brave the terrors of driving down to Children's Hospital to pick up a replacement.
Another thing on my list is briefly beating myself up for not being able to deal better with my mother and not spending today with her before she moves. Not allowing myself to beat myself up more than for a few minutes. I've done what I could.
My next self-improvement project is quitting smoking. I'm only allowing myself a 5 pound weight gain in the next four months while I'm working on this.
Put up the ashtray. Tomorrow morning, smoking will only be allowed outside. That's gonna kill me. But that is the first step I am taking.
Tomorrow morning, back on the Wii regularly and using the resistance band, balance ball, weights, stepper. Create a schedule of when I'm doing what. Stick to it.
Also tomorrow, I call my doctor to find out why my diuretic refill is for half the dosage it has been for at least the last year. I had talked to him about starting to try to wean myself off but it hasn't been going well. My feet and legs still swell. After two days on the lower dosage, it was starting to hurt to walk and I had put on four pounds. I doubled up on it yesterday and today and the weight is back down and my legs feel better. I need to get in better shape and lose more weight before I try to reduce the dosage.
Work. Oh, that's a given. But, I'm looking forward to the week coming up after this one. Three day weekend, two day work week, four day weekend.
Get more work done figuring out the financial aid for college. I'm working on being able to take courses from Western Governor's University. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Bird is having gastrointestingal issues. I will have to wait until after the first of the year to take her to yet another specialist. Ice cream does it to her...but not all ice creams. Just the less expensive ones. And possibly Dairy Queen. Might have been the wedding cake at her cousin's wedding, too. Oh, and now it seems to be chocolate fudge pop tarts but not brown sugar cinnamon. We are keeping records and I am researching who to take her to. Allergist or gastroenterologist? I'm not sure.
Make a study place. Well, two of them. One for me and one for Bird.
Start learning to meditate. I need order in some aspect of my life. My mind and soul would be a good place to start.
And, on Wednesday, we have Subway for Bird's 15th birthday! I hope the cake I got for her doesn't mess with her tummy.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Fall is on its way
Yes, it is August. It has been two months since I have blogged anything (well, what is in my head doesn't count because you can't read that...not that you'd want to because it's kinda messy in there. Kinda like my house. But I digress...)
Things have been busy around here. My mother has been living with me and, over time, she has gotten more and more difficult, unhappy and demanding. She wanted to move into a senior citizen apartment complex and we'd found one she really liked. She was on the waiting list for months and months. She was pushing me to call and find out where she was going to get to the top of the list. Finally, she did. Yay!!! She would be happier. She'd have her own place. It was close to my work and closer to where my brother lives. This would work!
Well, except it didn't. I ended up on empty. Dealing with my mother and her issues and Bird and her issues and work had used me up. There were no reserves left. I was in trouble at work for all the time I'd missed. My brother and sister in law took over the doctor visits for my mother. No one could take over the doctor visits for Bird. I had to go on them. We had the call, an apartment was ready.
But my mother was deteriorating. She met me outside every day when I came home from work, ranting at me that she couldn't stand being alone all day. Bird was horrible. I was horrible. Every day. She called Bird nasty names. Bird gave up even trying to be nice. Social interactions are sometimes pretty difficult for Turner Syndrome girls and she was ill-equipped to deal with the deteriorating situation.
We made plans to move her. Another brother and his son came down to help. We moved all of her furniture. She was mean and nasty the whole time. Her memory was deteriorating worse and worse but we had to let her try. When it came time to move her, she wanted to know where her furniture was. When we got to the apartments, she refused to leave the car because her dog couldn't move out there yet. She was bizarre, unreasonable. We ended up taking her to the emergency room for a psych evaluation. She was talking about hurting herself, running away and living on the street, all kinds of bizarre things. That was when a doctor mentioned the word Alzheimer's in connection to my mother.
She finally went into the apartment. We hoped that, with support, she could live there for a time. She quit eating. My brother was over there the majority of every day. She had a sinus infection and that didn't help things. I went over during lunch to cook for her. She wouldn't eat. She verbally abused all of us, saying nasty and horrible things. Finally, the next week, I was able to take the dog out to her. The dog is a rescue dog and has trust issues. She's always been very attached to my mother. At home, without my mother there, she was a different dog...she didn't bark as much. She wasn't as jumpy and touchy. We realized she was protecting my mother.
Anyway, I took the dog out at the earliest opportunity. She had to be seen by the staff and approved before she moved in and since the dog knew me, I was the one who needed to take her. We moved my mother July 17th. I took the dog on the 26th. My brother had taken my mother to the doctor on the previous Thursday. The day after the dog went to stay with her, my mother refused to get out of bed. Her hand was shaking and she was lethargic, getting unsteady on her feet. She was admitted to the hospital.
They spent days doing tests. We would visit and moments after we left, she would forget we had been there. Per the doctor, we had to admit her to a skilled nursing facility.
Obviously, she wasn't happy. She accused me of "kicking her out". She accused my brother of stealing from her. She accused me of doing this to her to take her dog from her. Trust me, I didn't want this dog.
Since this time, she's been in the hospital and back to the skilled nursing facility again. She's eating better. She has worn us all out. Another brother found an assisted living facility near him that she can better afford and that will be better suited for her. She goes Monday, a two hour drive away from me. I keep the yappy dog. She's growing on me.
I'm tired. I'm empty. And during all this, taking care of Bird's needs. The new 504 plan for high school. I finally heard back from Stanford and have sent them all her pertinent medical info. Now, we wait to hear if she gets in or not.
Meanwhile, one of my lovely nieces was married earlier this month. It was beautiful and a wonderful day. Well, except for my mother refusing to go to the wedding then calling later and yelling at me because no one came to pick her up and she'd been ready all day long and the 45 minute drive each way to get her for the reception and being berated the whole way home. But, while she was at the reception, she was fine and had a good time. It was good to see her "there".
The other day the insurance company called to tell me all about a new "free" service (with the premiums and copays I pay now, I don't really think its free). This service is a case manager for complicated or chronic medical conditions. I told this very nice lady that I needed it Jan of last year...someone to hold my hand as I started on this Turner journey with my daughter. I mentioned in passing about the issues with my mother. This very nice lady told me about the mental health services available on our health insurance plan. I don't need that. I need some wine. I think I'll head over to Laundress Sue's house.
Things have been busy around here. My mother has been living with me and, over time, she has gotten more and more difficult, unhappy and demanding. She wanted to move into a senior citizen apartment complex and we'd found one she really liked. She was on the waiting list for months and months. She was pushing me to call and find out where she was going to get to the top of the list. Finally, she did. Yay!!! She would be happier. She'd have her own place. It was close to my work and closer to where my brother lives. This would work!
Well, except it didn't. I ended up on empty. Dealing with my mother and her issues and Bird and her issues and work had used me up. There were no reserves left. I was in trouble at work for all the time I'd missed. My brother and sister in law took over the doctor visits for my mother. No one could take over the doctor visits for Bird. I had to go on them. We had the call, an apartment was ready.
But my mother was deteriorating. She met me outside every day when I came home from work, ranting at me that she couldn't stand being alone all day. Bird was horrible. I was horrible. Every day. She called Bird nasty names. Bird gave up even trying to be nice. Social interactions are sometimes pretty difficult for Turner Syndrome girls and she was ill-equipped to deal with the deteriorating situation.
We made plans to move her. Another brother and his son came down to help. We moved all of her furniture. She was mean and nasty the whole time. Her memory was deteriorating worse and worse but we had to let her try. When it came time to move her, she wanted to know where her furniture was. When we got to the apartments, she refused to leave the car because her dog couldn't move out there yet. She was bizarre, unreasonable. We ended up taking her to the emergency room for a psych evaluation. She was talking about hurting herself, running away and living on the street, all kinds of bizarre things. That was when a doctor mentioned the word Alzheimer's in connection to my mother.
She finally went into the apartment. We hoped that, with support, she could live there for a time. She quit eating. My brother was over there the majority of every day. She had a sinus infection and that didn't help things. I went over during lunch to cook for her. She wouldn't eat. She verbally abused all of us, saying nasty and horrible things. Finally, the next week, I was able to take the dog out to her. The dog is a rescue dog and has trust issues. She's always been very attached to my mother. At home, without my mother there, she was a different dog...she didn't bark as much. She wasn't as jumpy and touchy. We realized she was protecting my mother.
Anyway, I took the dog out at the earliest opportunity. She had to be seen by the staff and approved before she moved in and since the dog knew me, I was the one who needed to take her. We moved my mother July 17th. I took the dog on the 26th. My brother had taken my mother to the doctor on the previous Thursday. The day after the dog went to stay with her, my mother refused to get out of bed. Her hand was shaking and she was lethargic, getting unsteady on her feet. She was admitted to the hospital.
They spent days doing tests. We would visit and moments after we left, she would forget we had been there. Per the doctor, we had to admit her to a skilled nursing facility.
Obviously, she wasn't happy. She accused me of "kicking her out". She accused my brother of stealing from her. She accused me of doing this to her to take her dog from her. Trust me, I didn't want this dog.
Since this time, she's been in the hospital and back to the skilled nursing facility again. She's eating better. She has worn us all out. Another brother found an assisted living facility near him that she can better afford and that will be better suited for her. She goes Monday, a two hour drive away from me. I keep the yappy dog. She's growing on me.
I'm tired. I'm empty. And during all this, taking care of Bird's needs. The new 504 plan for high school. I finally heard back from Stanford and have sent them all her pertinent medical info. Now, we wait to hear if she gets in or not.
Meanwhile, one of my lovely nieces was married earlier this month. It was beautiful and a wonderful day. Well, except for my mother refusing to go to the wedding then calling later and yelling at me because no one came to pick her up and she'd been ready all day long and the 45 minute drive each way to get her for the reception and being berated the whole way home. But, while she was at the reception, she was fine and had a good time. It was good to see her "there".
The other day the insurance company called to tell me all about a new "free" service (with the premiums and copays I pay now, I don't really think its free). This service is a case manager for complicated or chronic medical conditions. I told this very nice lady that I needed it Jan of last year...someone to hold my hand as I started on this Turner journey with my daughter. I mentioned in passing about the issues with my mother. This very nice lady told me about the mental health services available on our health insurance plan. I don't need that. I need some wine. I think I'll head over to Laundress Sue's house.
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