Years ago, I used to do Erma Bombeckish essays about strange things that happened in my life. I have decided that, intermittently, I will repost them (in no particular order). Here is the first. The following is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Benevolent Being, in a fit of insanity, decided to get a dog. The Benevolent Being’s fits of insanity for things like this don’t disappear quickly. They linger and the insanity deepens until, finally, the Benevolent Being takes the plunge.
The Clan happily trekked to the Place Where Dogs Who Have Been Abandoned, Surrendered or Lost stayed while waiting for a Forever Family to take them home and love them forever. The Benevolent Being’s previous dogs had all been sweet and easy to train, desirous of nothing more than pleasing her (well, except for the dog as a teenager but he had character so he was forgiven his eccentricities). The Clan was excited (except for Joe Cool who believed that dogs were not appropriate to keep as pets, he’s a cat person). The College Daughter had gotten there first and already had a dog picked out that she liked. However, the dog did not like Joe Cool. Disappointed, she followed us back to the kennel to look at the dogs. The Benevolent Being liked one dog the children didn’t but she was concerned that he was already 12 years old…and twenty pounds or more overweight. They kept looking. Every dog that looked appropriate and excitedly wagged his tail as the Clan came into view quit wagging his tail as soon as Joe Cool appears. It seems the Canine World did not believe that Joe Cool belonged in a Forever Family.
In one cage, there was a lovely German Shepherd/Irish Setter mix, about a year old. The fur was the lovely red of an Irish Setter and there was a black arrow of fur on his forehead. His tail, what there was of it, was black with a little curl of fur on the end. He was adorable. Most importantly, he didn’t growl at Joe Cool.
So, a dog came to live with the House Churning Clan.
Part of the reason the Benevolent Being wanted a dog was that it would force her to walk and exercise. Here is a description of the walks that the Benevolent Being and the dog (heretofore known as Hell Hound) take.
“C’mon, baby, let’s go for a walk. Down! Sit!” Struggling to attach the leash. “No! Don’t eat the leash! Sit! Sit!”
“Slower!” Grabbing handrail to keep from falling down the stairs.
“Okay, let’s go. No, not that way. This way. Yes, you’re a good boy.” Walk ten steps. Stop.
“Let me know when you’re done. Good boy, you didn’t have an accident in the house. You’re such a good boy!” Patting dog on head. Looking up and down the street. Hell Hound is still busy with his liquid business. Checking watch. Looking up at sky to check for rain. “You’re done. Good boy! Let’s go!”
Walking down the sidewalk, Hell Hound is behaving well. Not pulling on the leash. Suddenly, the Benevolent Being sees movement out of the corner of her eye.
“Stop!” Struggling with the leash. “No! We’re not chasing squirrels! Sit!”
Hell Hound finally settles down and the walk continues, after a fashion.
“You don’t really and truly need to stop and smell every blade of grass.” Hell Hound ignores her and continues sniffing. “Stop and smell the roses is just an expression.” Hell Hound continues sniffing. The pace has slowed to a crawl. “Come…ON!” Pulling on the leash and walking away. Hell Hound reluctantly follows.
Turn the corner and start walking up the sidewalk. Hell Hound stops and sniffs then decides it is time to finish his business. When done, the Benevolent Being, being a good neighbor, pulls out a plastic bag to clean up after her darling dog.
Grrrrrrrrrrr. RRRRRooooooooowwwwwwwwwffffffff!!!! GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Hell Hound begins barking and growling, pulling and straining at the leash. The Benevolent Being is trying to control Hell Hound while cleaning up the mess. She looks up to see who is growling at her darling and sees the front two legs and head of a massive Rottweiler hanging over the fence of the yard behind her. “Just shut up and let me do this!” she says through gritted teeth as she warily eyes the Rottie while trying to clean up the mess. GGggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr She tries to plan what she will do if this massive bundle of canine teeth comes soaring over the fence. She thinks, “Well, it was nice having a dog for a while, at least, cause that monster will eat him!”
Hell Hound, unafraid, is trying to get to the Rottie. Finally, the mess is picked up, after the Benevolent Being was pulled away from it several times. She pulls Hell Hound along. “Just walk. Let’s go. Just walk. Good boy. Yes, you’re a good boy. Calm down and just walk.” Her heart is pounding. Two feet past the yard, the Rottie loses interest and Hell Hound once again begins sniffing the grass as they walk.
“C’mon, let’s go. Up the hill. Good boy!”
Turn the corner and Hell Hound looks to his left and stops dead in his tracks. A low growl erupts from his throat. The Benevolent Being follows his gaze and sees…”C’mon, boy. Don’t growl at the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus.” She pats him and reassures him. “They won’t hurt you. Let’s just walk right by them. It’s okay. Don’t growl. You’ll make the Baby Jesus cry if you growl at him. Don’t be scared. Jesus won’t hurt you.” Reluctantly, Hell Hound slinks by the Nativity Scene behind the chain link fence, shivering with fear and whimpering.
“Such a big baby. Rottweilers don’t bother you but the Baby Jesus turns you into a bowl of jelly.”
“Stop sniffing the bushes! Let’s go!”
At the bus stop, a bus opens its doors. “NO! We. Are. Not. Getting. On. The. Bus.” Hell Hound finally understands and decides to keep walking with the Benevolent Being.
An SUV pulls into the driveway ahead and Hell Hound bounds forward excitedly. The Benevolent Being stops and holds onto the leash for dear life. Hell Hound ends up dancing on his hind feet. “No! They’re not taking you for a ride!” Hell Hound looks at her sadly and whines. “I don’t care. You can walk just as well as I can.”
They continue onward.
The Benevolent Being looks to see how much further it is before they finish circling the block and sighs in resignation. They’re only about a quarter of the way there.
It’s going to be a long, long walk. The Benevolent Being wonders how it is that she got a dog that listens and behaves as well as her children do.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tests
All my life is composed of tests. I've failed a lot of them, passed some others (and some of those passes were by the skin of my teeth). At the end, I hope I'll have passed more than I flunked. Coming out of life with a C average wouldn't be bad, all in all.
Anyway, enough introspection! I took my first final of college! Yes, I know it is only a touch over two weeks into it but this isn't your regular college. This is online and based on competency units. So, recommendation was to take the tests pretty much cold for two of the classes. Yesterday's test was on Foundations of Communications. Grammar, syntax, outlining, etc. Got a 94.
Now that we know what my strength is (verbal and keyboard diarrhea), I am taking the math exam today. I have been preparing for it and will do a bit of revising for it today. For those of you who don't spend much time speaking to someone from England who is taking classes, that means reviewing. Yeah, SO has affected me more than I usually care to admit. :) So, anyway, this will be on real numbers, slope of a line, graphing, equations, all that kind of stuff. I've been working on it and there is so much I've forgotten in the last too many years since high school. But, looking over it, I found it all coming back pretty quickly. I guess I had stored it all in long term memory.
Took the test at home while being monitored by someone somewhere else. They sent me a webcam to use. It was odd. Very odd. I was totally aware of all my movements and wondered what would happen if I waved to the webcam or stuck out my tongue.
Bird is really struggling in school. She was up until all hours this week finishing homework for end of quarter. She was even working on it until midnight on Friday on the off chance some teachers would take pity on her and count it. If they don't, she'll end up with a 1.9 GPA to start off high school with. I showed her how long it would take her to come back from that and she was horrified. Unfortunately, and I think it is a function of her condition, she has to learn the hard way. I can't smooth the way for her and make it all better. She has to do it. She is resistant to help and things need to be her idea on her initiative. I can't dictate. I can't even suggest. How to cope with this needs to come from within her, on her initiative, or she is closed off. However, I have discovered that if I suggest a course of action and she rejects, I often have to just wait a few days and she will present a course of action to me that is nearly identical to what I suggested but with her own twist on it. So, I've been suggesting how to get the homework done. She was working on homework not for this quarter that she got last week. And she is determined to do every extra credit assignment possible and, even, asking for more. The bad grades scared her. Sometimes, that's a good thing. It just hurts to watch the process.
The itching and bumps are much, much better. It was the chromium picolinate!
My mother is not doing well and is back in a severe depression, so much so that the assisted living facility is recommending admission for a time to try to get some anti-depressants regulated. That or a 24 hour caretaker which we can't afford. We hope to know more on Monday. I couldn't go to see her this weekend. I tried to work it out but finances and time constraints prevented it. In addition to the two tests this weekend, laundry, and cleaning, I also had to add on a trip to Sears to get Bird's glasses adjusted.
She was hit in the face in gym by a foam ball on Friday. Her face is fine but the glasses were knocked a little cattywumpus. With her prescription, even a little out of alignment affects her vision a lot and she was dizzy from trying to focus through them. They're fixed now, thank goodness. I once went to this site to see things the way she does without glasses. I put in her prescription and received the message "beyond simulation range". So, I started reducing the spherical measurement by .5 each time until I got to where it would show. It goes to +5. One eye is a +6 and the other is a +5.5 and we aren't done getting her eyes adjusted to what she really needs...which is a +7 or +8. Now you know why I sometimes use her glasses as magnifying lenses.
But, it's all good. Glasses are now fixed. I'll call my mother later today and talk to her. Bird wants to talk to her and see if she can cheer her up, too.
Oh! And while at Sears I used a $25 gift card from my Secret Pal to buy a pair of pants. Found a pair that fit (a little snug but they are the tummy slimming ones and it will give me incentive to get back into weight loss mode) that were on sale for $24.99, down from $40. When I checked out, there was a special sale thing going on where, if you spent more than $20, you got $10 off. So, I got my $40 pants for $16! Whoo hoo!!!! Then I stopped by the year round farmer's market and bought some eggs and fruit. When I checked out, the eggs (free range, thank you very much) were 40 cents off. I was afraid to try another store...my luck might not hold!
Okay, enough of this. Time to go solve some equations! Wish me luck on my test this afternoon!
Anyway, enough introspection! I took my first final of college! Yes, I know it is only a touch over two weeks into it but this isn't your regular college. This is online and based on competency units. So, recommendation was to take the tests pretty much cold for two of the classes. Yesterday's test was on Foundations of Communications. Grammar, syntax, outlining, etc. Got a 94.
Now that we know what my strength is (verbal and keyboard diarrhea), I am taking the math exam today. I have been preparing for it and will do a bit of revising for it today. For those of you who don't spend much time speaking to someone from England who is taking classes, that means reviewing. Yeah, SO has affected me more than I usually care to admit. :) So, anyway, this will be on real numbers, slope of a line, graphing, equations, all that kind of stuff. I've been working on it and there is so much I've forgotten in the last too many years since high school. But, looking over it, I found it all coming back pretty quickly. I guess I had stored it all in long term memory.
Took the test at home while being monitored by someone somewhere else. They sent me a webcam to use. It was odd. Very odd. I was totally aware of all my movements and wondered what would happen if I waved to the webcam or stuck out my tongue.
Bird is really struggling in school. She was up until all hours this week finishing homework for end of quarter. She was even working on it until midnight on Friday on the off chance some teachers would take pity on her and count it. If they don't, she'll end up with a 1.9 GPA to start off high school with. I showed her how long it would take her to come back from that and she was horrified. Unfortunately, and I think it is a function of her condition, she has to learn the hard way. I can't smooth the way for her and make it all better. She has to do it. She is resistant to help and things need to be her idea on her initiative. I can't dictate. I can't even suggest. How to cope with this needs to come from within her, on her initiative, or she is closed off. However, I have discovered that if I suggest a course of action and she rejects, I often have to just wait a few days and she will present a course of action to me that is nearly identical to what I suggested but with her own twist on it. So, I've been suggesting how to get the homework done. She was working on homework not for this quarter that she got last week. And she is determined to do every extra credit assignment possible and, even, asking for more. The bad grades scared her. Sometimes, that's a good thing. It just hurts to watch the process.
The itching and bumps are much, much better. It was the chromium picolinate!
My mother is not doing well and is back in a severe depression, so much so that the assisted living facility is recommending admission for a time to try to get some anti-depressants regulated. That or a 24 hour caretaker which we can't afford. We hope to know more on Monday. I couldn't go to see her this weekend. I tried to work it out but finances and time constraints prevented it. In addition to the two tests this weekend, laundry, and cleaning, I also had to add on a trip to Sears to get Bird's glasses adjusted.
She was hit in the face in gym by a foam ball on Friday. Her face is fine but the glasses were knocked a little cattywumpus. With her prescription, even a little out of alignment affects her vision a lot and she was dizzy from trying to focus through them. They're fixed now, thank goodness. I once went to this site to see things the way she does without glasses. I put in her prescription and received the message "beyond simulation range". So, I started reducing the spherical measurement by .5 each time until I got to where it would show. It goes to +5. One eye is a +6 and the other is a +5.5 and we aren't done getting her eyes adjusted to what she really needs...which is a +7 or +8. Now you know why I sometimes use her glasses as magnifying lenses.
But, it's all good. Glasses are now fixed. I'll call my mother later today and talk to her. Bird wants to talk to her and see if she can cheer her up, too.
Oh! And while at Sears I used a $25 gift card from my Secret Pal to buy a pair of pants. Found a pair that fit (a little snug but they are the tummy slimming ones and it will give me incentive to get back into weight loss mode) that were on sale for $24.99, down from $40. When I checked out, there was a special sale thing going on where, if you spent more than $20, you got $10 off. So, I got my $40 pants for $16! Whoo hoo!!!! Then I stopped by the year round farmer's market and bought some eggs and fruit. When I checked out, the eggs (free range, thank you very much) were 40 cents off. I was afraid to try another store...my luck might not hold!
Okay, enough of this. Time to go solve some equations! Wish me luck on my test this afternoon!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My, how time flies...
I haven't done much algebra and such since high school. I've been refreshing my knowledge of it in the last week or so since school started. I have come to the conclusion that, just like in high school, I hate math. Don't get me wrong, Numbers was a cool show. I enjoyed it a lot. Charlie was a cool mathematician. I ain't Charlie.
In other news, Bird just told me that, when she was in gym, an upper classman, touched her on the arm to stop her and asked, "Will you go on a date with me?" Okay, she's a freshman. You're a junior or a senior. No, she won't go on a date with you. Furthermore, she doesn't look like a freshman, she looks like a fifth grader. She could be a ten year old genius for all you know. No, she won't go on a date with you. Furthermore, I am capable of getting a concealed carry license. This is my baby. You will not put your fingers near her again.
Overprotective? Me? Surely not...but I am so not ready for her to date. Not.Ready.At.All. I don't care if she is fifteen. I don't care. She's my baby. She can date when she's thirty and I'm dead. That will be soon enough.
And, in other news, I'm an itchy, scratchy mess. Started getting these itchy bumps last week on my forearms and lower legs. About a dozen on each arm. Some of them have grown into long lines. They are driving me batty. Been battling fleas on the dogs and I decided the fleas were going out to dinner on me at night when the dogs take over my bed. Spent the weekend bathing dogs (both are angels when they go to the groomer, hate when I give them a bath), spraying flea spray everywhere. vacuuming, washing sheets, etc, etc, etc. Dogs are much more comfortable but I'm still getting more spots. This morning, after taking my medicine and supplements, I had a brain storm and did some research. I started taking chromium picolinate for the health benefits. One sign of an adverse reaction is a rash and/or hives. Hmmm, that could explain why no one else in the house is getting this, wouldn't it? So, took all the chromium picolinates out of the pill minder and will not take them anymore to see if these things go away. If it does, it will be an "Oh, duh!" moment. Why didn't I notice before that the spots were on almost exactly the same places on each arm and each leg? They're not on my torso, not on my shoulders, not on my face...just my lower arms (and moving up to my upper arms) and calves. If it was fleas, it would be on my shoulders, face, torso, etc. I hope it is the chromium picolinate. I can't afford a doctor visit right now.
Called the pharmaceutical company about copay assistance. Love Nutropin! Got the card to pay for the copays today. That's $40 more a month for fruits and vegetables. :) Wish Vyvanse was so helpful. Can't find any help at all for copays. With the specialist visit copays going up, $80 a month for Bird's medicine is really hard to come up with. Got half that sorted now looking for help for the rest.
My Secret Pal at work is the best. She gave me a USB Himalayan Salt Crystal Lamp. I don't know if it works or not but it sure is pretty sitting here on my desk. :)
So, as soon as my books come, I will be diving into Internet Business Fundamentals. I do have to ask, "What have I gotten myself into?" Scheduled my first two assessments and, if I pass those, I'll be at 3 courses down, 3 to go for this term and then I can start working ahead for next term. I'm not too worried about the essay and the research courses...it's the IT course that is stressing me right now.
Oooooo, pretty colors on my lamp :) Reduces stress.
In other news, Bird just told me that, when she was in gym, an upper classman, touched her on the arm to stop her and asked, "Will you go on a date with me?" Okay, she's a freshman. You're a junior or a senior. No, she won't go on a date with you. Furthermore, she doesn't look like a freshman, she looks like a fifth grader. She could be a ten year old genius for all you know. No, she won't go on a date with you. Furthermore, I am capable of getting a concealed carry license. This is my baby. You will not put your fingers near her again.
Overprotective? Me? Surely not...but I am so not ready for her to date. Not.Ready.At.All. I don't care if she is fifteen. I don't care. She's my baby. She can date when she's thirty and I'm dead. That will be soon enough.
And, in other news, I'm an itchy, scratchy mess. Started getting these itchy bumps last week on my forearms and lower legs. About a dozen on each arm. Some of them have grown into long lines. They are driving me batty. Been battling fleas on the dogs and I decided the fleas were going out to dinner on me at night when the dogs take over my bed. Spent the weekend bathing dogs (both are angels when they go to the groomer, hate when I give them a bath), spraying flea spray everywhere. vacuuming, washing sheets, etc, etc, etc. Dogs are much more comfortable but I'm still getting more spots. This morning, after taking my medicine and supplements, I had a brain storm and did some research. I started taking chromium picolinate for the health benefits. One sign of an adverse reaction is a rash and/or hives. Hmmm, that could explain why no one else in the house is getting this, wouldn't it? So, took all the chromium picolinates out of the pill minder and will not take them anymore to see if these things go away. If it does, it will be an "Oh, duh!" moment. Why didn't I notice before that the spots were on almost exactly the same places on each arm and each leg? They're not on my torso, not on my shoulders, not on my face...just my lower arms (and moving up to my upper arms) and calves. If it was fleas, it would be on my shoulders, face, torso, etc. I hope it is the chromium picolinate. I can't afford a doctor visit right now.
Called the pharmaceutical company about copay assistance. Love Nutropin! Got the card to pay for the copays today. That's $40 more a month for fruits and vegetables. :) Wish Vyvanse was so helpful. Can't find any help at all for copays. With the specialist visit copays going up, $80 a month for Bird's medicine is really hard to come up with. Got half that sorted now looking for help for the rest.
My Secret Pal at work is the best. She gave me a USB Himalayan Salt Crystal Lamp. I don't know if it works or not but it sure is pretty sitting here on my desk. :)
So, as soon as my books come, I will be diving into Internet Business Fundamentals. I do have to ask, "What have I gotten myself into?" Scheduled my first two assessments and, if I pass those, I'll be at 3 courses down, 3 to go for this term and then I can start working ahead for next term. I'm not too worried about the essay and the research courses...it's the IT course that is stressing me right now.
Oooooo, pretty colors on my lamp :) Reduces stress.
Monday, October 4, 2010
School daze...err, days
So, waiting for tomorrow when I have my phone call to set what courses I'll be working on first. Excited but a little scared. I'll be fine. Well, that's what I keep telling myself...
Oh! Family across the street had a little yard sale and I missed it. I hate missing yard sales. Anyway, later on I saw this table out in the tree lawn. I went over and asked about it and he said to just take it. They didn't want it anymore and it didn't sell in the yard sale. Score! It's got a few dings in it but it is a solid wood table! Will make a great study space!!!
Isn't it great? My chair is a little low but a cushion will help with that. I could paint it or refinish it or just leave it like it is and pretend I want it that way. That would be shabby chic, right? As opposed to most of the rest of my stuff that is just shabby...
Okay, time to go check out some other message boards for school. Maybe I'll get more of an idea what I'm in for...
Oh! Family across the street had a little yard sale and I missed it. I hate missing yard sales. Anyway, later on I saw this table out in the tree lawn. I went over and asked about it and he said to just take it. They didn't want it anymore and it didn't sell in the yard sale. Score! It's got a few dings in it but it is a solid wood table! Will make a great study space!!!
Isn't it great? My chair is a little low but a cushion will help with that. I could paint it or refinish it or just leave it like it is and pretend I want it that way. That would be shabby chic, right? As opposed to most of the rest of my stuff that is just shabby...I love my new desk/table!!! And I love the price of it...free!!!!!!!! Have to be careful with free, though. Checked out the free listings the other day and someone had a mattress and a sofa for free. They were honest...said they saw some bedbugs a week or two ago but haven't seen any since. Oh, yeah, I think I'll just right on that one!
Tomorrow at work, things will be busy. And I have my performance review. Sure, no stress there...Okay, time to go check out some other message boards for school. Maybe I'll get more of an idea what I'm in for...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
School's In!
I officially started school on the first. I have already finished going through my first course! Okay, so it was the orientation course but, still, I finished it! Well, kinda. A couple of other things I have to do first like set up my course of study but...oh, quit making me be honest!
Called and talked to my mom tonight. She sounded much, much, much better - even happy. It did my heart good.
I don't know where I've gone wrong with Bird, though. She went to a football game last night. She had no clue what was going on but she enjoyed herself. I don't do football. I went to all the football games in high school but that's because I was in the band and I had to. I read a book between songs. But, she's getting into this whole high school thing. Went to the homecoming game. Tonight, she's at the homecoming dance. Thank goodness for Plato's closet. Found not one but two lovely dressy dresses for dances and both fit her beautifully. Although, it is frightening to think a more traditionally built teenager would fit into these dresses it is also wonderful to find something age appropriate that fits her. I don't think I ever wore a size 0, btw...
Called and talked to my mom tonight. She sounded much, much, much better - even happy. It did my heart good.
I don't know where I've gone wrong with Bird, though. She went to a football game last night. She had no clue what was going on but she enjoyed herself. I don't do football. I went to all the football games in high school but that's because I was in the band and I had to. I read a book between songs. But, she's getting into this whole high school thing. Went to the homecoming game. Tonight, she's at the homecoming dance. Thank goodness for Plato's closet. Found not one but two lovely dressy dresses for dances and both fit her beautifully. Although, it is frightening to think a more traditionally built teenager would fit into these dresses it is also wonderful to find something age appropriate that fits her. I don't think I ever wore a size 0, btw...
Posts
