Bird looked lovely in her purple dress for homecoming last night. Although, I could have gone without the whole hour to flat iron her hair. She has more hair than 3 people should have.
Today, I drove her to the funeral home for visitation for her school mate. It was difficult. I am still so angry. I know it is unreasonable and it is unhealthy but I am having a hard time moving past it. How could he do this to his family? His friends? And, apparently, no answers. Getting suspended? That isn't a reason. There has to have been something. And I am angry.
I couldn't help but browse through Google+ and his page, his friends' pages. I was, to put it mildly, disturbed. Fourteen year old girls flaunting their immature cleavage on unprotected pages. The nastiness in posts. These are children growing up way too soon. I wonder where there parents are? Why aren't they monitoring what these kids are doing online?
I used to worry that Bird was so behind the other kids her age. Now I'm glad she is.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hard to find the sun
It was a foggy, chilly kind of day today. Yesterday, it was a chilly, dreary day. Hard to get used to those kinds of days when they happen so suddenly.
I remember being a teen ager and being depressed. I was bullied and lonely. I felt so isolated, as if nothing I did was ever "enough". I was never "enough". I planned my death. Sixteen, I thought, was a good time. My sixteenth birthday. But, I didn't do it. I stopped. I thought, "Well, there's always next year" and, now, I am 52 and I'm still here, still kicking. I didn't do it. I didn't.
Yesterday, Bird came home from school crying. A boy in her school, a child, killed himself. He took a belt and hung himself. Why? Why did he do this? He'd just been suspended but that isn't reason to kill yourself.
You know what? I'm mad. I'm pissed at this kid. How dare he? He was well liked, he was loved, he had friends. How dare he kill himself? I didn't. Goodness knows, I had reason. But I didn't. I wasn't that selfish and uncaring. I wasn't that egotistical and self-centered. And, now, I see the beginnings of the kids making him into some mythic, tragic figure. No. He was selfish and cruel.
Bird has a lot of anxiety about death. She is obsessing over this. How to memorialize this boy.
I did like one idea Bird had, though. She thought someone should start a Snuggle Puggle Foundation. When someone is sad or depressed, they could go somewhere to snuggle with a puggle. Because how could you be sad with one of these to snuggle with?
I remember being a teen ager and being depressed. I was bullied and lonely. I felt so isolated, as if nothing I did was ever "enough". I was never "enough". I planned my death. Sixteen, I thought, was a good time. My sixteenth birthday. But, I didn't do it. I stopped. I thought, "Well, there's always next year" and, now, I am 52 and I'm still here, still kicking. I didn't do it. I didn't.
Yesterday, Bird came home from school crying. A boy in her school, a child, killed himself. He took a belt and hung himself. Why? Why did he do this? He'd just been suspended but that isn't reason to kill yourself.
You know what? I'm mad. I'm pissed at this kid. How dare he? He was well liked, he was loved, he had friends. How dare he kill himself? I didn't. Goodness knows, I had reason. But I didn't. I wasn't that selfish and uncaring. I wasn't that egotistical and self-centered. And, now, I see the beginnings of the kids making him into some mythic, tragic figure. No. He was selfish and cruel.
Bird has a lot of anxiety about death. She is obsessing over this. How to memorialize this boy.
I did like one idea Bird had, though. She thought someone should start a Snuggle Puggle Foundation. When someone is sad or depressed, they could go somewhere to snuggle with a puggle. Because how could you be sad with one of these to snuggle with?
Works for me...
Monday, September 5, 2011
I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes...
It's been a difficult few months. Classes have been somewhat intense. Normally, wouldn't have been that big a deal...a lot of work but do-able. But work has been busy, too. An emotional and mental roller coaster. But, it was all good. I was busy, so very busy, but it was a good busy, y'know? A good busy. I was useful. I was productive. I contained the meltdowns.
There were glitches, of course. When I am focused and working, I don't need someone coming to me and telling me what I should be doing - asking for raises, asking for a promotion, because I have them by the balls. Right now, in this economy? I'm glad I have a job. I'm glad I can have a job where I am useful and learning new things. I am glad I have a job that is interesting and not boring. I find it terribly inappropriate for people to be telling me things like that.
Anyway, Bird is doing better. She is maturing and doing so much better. The OCD is not as bad and she is keeping up with her homework. Of course, it isn't that far into the year but...
The oldest daughter called me a couple of weeks ago. Pregnant. Geez. I was irritated and frustrated. She is so not in a position to care for a baby. On the bright side, her father, with whom she has had a rocky relationship to say the least, reacted wonderfully. He was excited and supportive. I was proud of him. It was good.
This weekend, my girl came in to visit for a little bit. While here, she miscarried the baby. She wasn't very far along but, still, I find myself more upset than I thought I would be.
I had come to terms with the thought of being a grandmother, never mind the circumstances. We had piced out the baby bed I was going to buy them. Now, I feel a pain in my heart when I see an ad for baby things.
The time will come, I know. But, still, I mourn the loss of this one. And my heart breaks for my baby having to go through this.
There were glitches, of course. When I am focused and working, I don't need someone coming to me and telling me what I should be doing - asking for raises, asking for a promotion, because I have them by the balls. Right now, in this economy? I'm glad I have a job. I'm glad I can have a job where I am useful and learning new things. I am glad I have a job that is interesting and not boring. I find it terribly inappropriate for people to be telling me things like that.
Anyway, Bird is doing better. She is maturing and doing so much better. The OCD is not as bad and she is keeping up with her homework. Of course, it isn't that far into the year but...
The oldest daughter called me a couple of weeks ago. Pregnant. Geez. I was irritated and frustrated. She is so not in a position to care for a baby. On the bright side, her father, with whom she has had a rocky relationship to say the least, reacted wonderfully. He was excited and supportive. I was proud of him. It was good.
This weekend, my girl came in to visit for a little bit. While here, she miscarried the baby. She wasn't very far along but, still, I find myself more upset than I thought I would be.
I had come to terms with the thought of being a grandmother, never mind the circumstances. We had piced out the baby bed I was going to buy them. Now, I feel a pain in my heart when I see an ad for baby things.
The time will come, I know. But, still, I mourn the loss of this one. And my heart breaks for my baby having to go through this.
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