Bird looked lovely in her purple dress for homecoming last night. Although, I could have gone without the whole hour to flat iron her hair. She has more hair than 3 people should have.
Today, I drove her to the funeral home for visitation for her school mate. It was difficult. I am still so angry. I know it is unreasonable and it is unhealthy but I am having a hard time moving past it. How could he do this to his family? His friends? And, apparently, no answers. Getting suspended? That isn't a reason. There has to have been something. And I am angry.
I couldn't help but browse through Google+ and his page, his friends' pages. I was, to put it mildly, disturbed. Fourteen year old girls flaunting their immature cleavage on unprotected pages. The nastiness in posts. These are children growing up way too soon. I wonder where there parents are? Why aren't they monitoring what these kids are doing online?
I used to worry that Bird was so behind the other kids her age. Now I'm glad she is.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hard to find the sun
It was a foggy, chilly kind of day today. Yesterday, it was a chilly, dreary day. Hard to get used to those kinds of days when they happen so suddenly.
I remember being a teen ager and being depressed. I was bullied and lonely. I felt so isolated, as if nothing I did was ever "enough". I was never "enough". I planned my death. Sixteen, I thought, was a good time. My sixteenth birthday. But, I didn't do it. I stopped. I thought, "Well, there's always next year" and, now, I am 52 and I'm still here, still kicking. I didn't do it. I didn't.
Yesterday, Bird came home from school crying. A boy in her school, a child, killed himself. He took a belt and hung himself. Why? Why did he do this? He'd just been suspended but that isn't reason to kill yourself.
You know what? I'm mad. I'm pissed at this kid. How dare he? He was well liked, he was loved, he had friends. How dare he kill himself? I didn't. Goodness knows, I had reason. But I didn't. I wasn't that selfish and uncaring. I wasn't that egotistical and self-centered. And, now, I see the beginnings of the kids making him into some mythic, tragic figure. No. He was selfish and cruel.
Bird has a lot of anxiety about death. She is obsessing over this. How to memorialize this boy.
I did like one idea Bird had, though. She thought someone should start a Snuggle Puggle Foundation. When someone is sad or depressed, they could go somewhere to snuggle with a puggle. Because how could you be sad with one of these to snuggle with?
I remember being a teen ager and being depressed. I was bullied and lonely. I felt so isolated, as if nothing I did was ever "enough". I was never "enough". I planned my death. Sixteen, I thought, was a good time. My sixteenth birthday. But, I didn't do it. I stopped. I thought, "Well, there's always next year" and, now, I am 52 and I'm still here, still kicking. I didn't do it. I didn't.
Yesterday, Bird came home from school crying. A boy in her school, a child, killed himself. He took a belt and hung himself. Why? Why did he do this? He'd just been suspended but that isn't reason to kill yourself.
You know what? I'm mad. I'm pissed at this kid. How dare he? He was well liked, he was loved, he had friends. How dare he kill himself? I didn't. Goodness knows, I had reason. But I didn't. I wasn't that selfish and uncaring. I wasn't that egotistical and self-centered. And, now, I see the beginnings of the kids making him into some mythic, tragic figure. No. He was selfish and cruel.
Bird has a lot of anxiety about death. She is obsessing over this. How to memorialize this boy.
I did like one idea Bird had, though. She thought someone should start a Snuggle Puggle Foundation. When someone is sad or depressed, they could go somewhere to snuggle with a puggle. Because how could you be sad with one of these to snuggle with?
Works for me...
Monday, September 5, 2011
I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes...
It's been a difficult few months. Classes have been somewhat intense. Normally, wouldn't have been that big a deal...a lot of work but do-able. But work has been busy, too. An emotional and mental roller coaster. But, it was all good. I was busy, so very busy, but it was a good busy, y'know? A good busy. I was useful. I was productive. I contained the meltdowns.
There were glitches, of course. When I am focused and working, I don't need someone coming to me and telling me what I should be doing - asking for raises, asking for a promotion, because I have them by the balls. Right now, in this economy? I'm glad I have a job. I'm glad I can have a job where I am useful and learning new things. I am glad I have a job that is interesting and not boring. I find it terribly inappropriate for people to be telling me things like that.
Anyway, Bird is doing better. She is maturing and doing so much better. The OCD is not as bad and she is keeping up with her homework. Of course, it isn't that far into the year but...
The oldest daughter called me a couple of weeks ago. Pregnant. Geez. I was irritated and frustrated. She is so not in a position to care for a baby. On the bright side, her father, with whom she has had a rocky relationship to say the least, reacted wonderfully. He was excited and supportive. I was proud of him. It was good.
This weekend, my girl came in to visit for a little bit. While here, she miscarried the baby. She wasn't very far along but, still, I find myself more upset than I thought I would be.
I had come to terms with the thought of being a grandmother, never mind the circumstances. We had piced out the baby bed I was going to buy them. Now, I feel a pain in my heart when I see an ad for baby things.
The time will come, I know. But, still, I mourn the loss of this one. And my heart breaks for my baby having to go through this.
There were glitches, of course. When I am focused and working, I don't need someone coming to me and telling me what I should be doing - asking for raises, asking for a promotion, because I have them by the balls. Right now, in this economy? I'm glad I have a job. I'm glad I can have a job where I am useful and learning new things. I am glad I have a job that is interesting and not boring. I find it terribly inappropriate for people to be telling me things like that.
Anyway, Bird is doing better. She is maturing and doing so much better. The OCD is not as bad and she is keeping up with her homework. Of course, it isn't that far into the year but...
The oldest daughter called me a couple of weeks ago. Pregnant. Geez. I was irritated and frustrated. She is so not in a position to care for a baby. On the bright side, her father, with whom she has had a rocky relationship to say the least, reacted wonderfully. He was excited and supportive. I was proud of him. It was good.
This weekend, my girl came in to visit for a little bit. While here, she miscarried the baby. She wasn't very far along but, still, I find myself more upset than I thought I would be.
I had come to terms with the thought of being a grandmother, never mind the circumstances. We had piced out the baby bed I was going to buy them. Now, I feel a pain in my heart when I see an ad for baby things.
The time will come, I know. But, still, I mourn the loss of this one. And my heart breaks for my baby having to go through this.
Monday, June 20, 2011
This thing and that thing and the other thing
In and amongst all the overtime and homework, I've actually been reading. Well, I have to do something since the new Dresden Files won't be out for several more weeks. Anyway, I've been reading My Jesus Year by Benyamin Cohen. It's the story of an Orthodox Jew, son of a rabbi, who spends a year attending Christian churches to find his faith. I am enjoying this book so much. I empathize with Benyamin.
It has been quite a while since I've been to church. My church closed and I have not found another to attend yet. I'm one of the odd ducks that find something lacking in the "praise" music and contemporary services. In many ways, I find them somewhat spiritually sterile. I am also the person you will see praying silently during communion, tears in my eyes. But finding a church home seems to be beyond my grasp at the moment. I miss, achingly miss, communion. I miss the hymns. Even, believe it or not, the sermons. But I still haven't found a church home. I don't know quite why. Maybe it is fear of getting my heart broken again, choosing the wrong church and it closing. Maybe it is fear of finding somewhere I am comfortable and spiritually challenged and spiritually fulfilled and that I will become so extremely involved that I can't do everything else I need to do in my life.
So, as so much else in my life, I put it on the back burner. Not my faith, but my search for a church.
Well, it is late. No idea why I am still up other than to simply bore you to death.
Another busy day tomorrow. Tonight was overtime. Tomorrow night I will split between overtime and homework. I need to make sure I balance the OT and homework better. My work is getting behind and I'm getting burnt out on the homework. My next test is July 5 and I've finished the course work so now I need to do reviewing and practice tests. Next course up on the agenda after this will be natural science. Honestly, unnatural science sounds like a lot more fun but...
Okay, bed time! Night, faceless people!
It has been quite a while since I've been to church. My church closed and I have not found another to attend yet. I'm one of the odd ducks that find something lacking in the "praise" music and contemporary services. In many ways, I find them somewhat spiritually sterile. I am also the person you will see praying silently during communion, tears in my eyes. But finding a church home seems to be beyond my grasp at the moment. I miss, achingly miss, communion. I miss the hymns. Even, believe it or not, the sermons. But I still haven't found a church home. I don't know quite why. Maybe it is fear of getting my heart broken again, choosing the wrong church and it closing. Maybe it is fear of finding somewhere I am comfortable and spiritually challenged and spiritually fulfilled and that I will become so extremely involved that I can't do everything else I need to do in my life.
So, as so much else in my life, I put it on the back burner. Not my faith, but my search for a church.
Well, it is late. No idea why I am still up other than to simply bore you to death.
Another busy day tomorrow. Tonight was overtime. Tomorrow night I will split between overtime and homework. I need to make sure I balance the OT and homework better. My work is getting behind and I'm getting burnt out on the homework. My next test is July 5 and I've finished the course work so now I need to do reviewing and practice tests. Next course up on the agenda after this will be natural science. Honestly, unnatural science sounds like a lot more fun but...
Okay, bed time! Night, faceless people!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Whoa...too long...
Been way too long since I checked in. I've been busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Overtime kicked in and then there's school (going quite well, thankyouverymuch...completed 18 CUs in my first term!).
Bird is doing okay, I think. No more shots since February. She is 5'! Well, technically 4'11 7/8" but that is close enough to call it 5'. Now we're on to the next hormone therapy and that is going well, too. But, most importantly, there are changes in her behavior. She is (for better or worse) acting more like a teenager.
The medication costs are still killing me and I was soooo excited to see Concerta go generic...until I found out that for probably the next year it will save the insurance company money but won't save me any. *fume*
My mother is my mother. She isn't happy where she is but, then again, she won't be happy anywhere. Her memory is worse than ever and, unfortunately, the only time she is happy is on days when her memory is really, really bad. She came to stay for a few days in May and really seemed to enjoy herself. That was good. I'm trying to figure out when I can get her again for a few days. Her dog, also known as the demon from Hell, still lives with us but she doesn't remember her unless she is here. My mother thinks my brother's dog was hers otherwise. In too many pictures already, she just looks...absent. It is painful to watch.
Spent a week in NJ for work. It was really lovely, actually. Very nice and the workshop was interesting. Work is busybusybusy and I feel like I'm drowning. But I keep smiling and plugging away.
Will write more often, I promise for anyone who might possibly be out there reading. For now, enough procrastination and back to homework.
Bird is doing okay, I think. No more shots since February. She is 5'! Well, technically 4'11 7/8" but that is close enough to call it 5'. Now we're on to the next hormone therapy and that is going well, too. But, most importantly, there are changes in her behavior. She is (for better or worse) acting more like a teenager.
The medication costs are still killing me and I was soooo excited to see Concerta go generic...until I found out that for probably the next year it will save the insurance company money but won't save me any. *fume*
My mother is my mother. She isn't happy where she is but, then again, she won't be happy anywhere. Her memory is worse than ever and, unfortunately, the only time she is happy is on days when her memory is really, really bad. She came to stay for a few days in May and really seemed to enjoy herself. That was good. I'm trying to figure out when I can get her again for a few days. Her dog, also known as the demon from Hell, still lives with us but she doesn't remember her unless she is here. My mother thinks my brother's dog was hers otherwise. In too many pictures already, she just looks...absent. It is painful to watch.
Spent a week in NJ for work. It was really lovely, actually. Very nice and the workshop was interesting. Work is busybusybusy and I feel like I'm drowning. But I keep smiling and plugging away.
Will write more often, I promise for anyone who might possibly be out there reading. For now, enough procrastination and back to homework.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Bird & Mom's Excellent Adventure
Bird and I just returned from our excellent adventure to participate in a Turner Syndrome Research study.
Day 1:
We were up early, early, early for our 6:25 AM (yes, AM as in morning) flight to California. Of course, as is per usual for us, we were late getting out of here and over to my brother's house (he was driving us to the airport). We get there with a whole half hour to spare and there was a HUGE line at the security checkpoint. Rats. Luckily, they opened up more lanes and we got through with no problems. I was worried about the growth hormone stuff but there was not a problem. Thank goodness.
The first leg of the journey was on a half full plane so Bird and I had a little row to ourselves. Got to Denver with no problems and switched planes. The plane from Denver to San Jose was also not full so there was some space there, too. This was important as it was on Southwest and they are not the largest seats out there.
Got to San Jose and our shuttle was right there to take us to the hotel. Bird was staring and soaking it all up as we drove to the hotel. And it was warm...so warm. Love the warmth!
Our reservations were at Creekside Inn. I love this place. I really, really do. There was a flat screen TV. And a comfy couch and chair. And fluffy, comfy beds that were self-making! And a balcony overlooking a creek! Oh, I could live there!!!
We got the directions to get to San Francisco to do some sightseeing and off we went. Along the way to the CalTrain station, we passed Microsoft and AOL. Hopped on the train and down to San Francisco. Caught the bus and hopped off around the corner from the Chinese gates at Grant and Bush. Bird got a new Chinese outfit (purple). We walked down (up?) the street to Pine then cut across to Stockton. Oh my goodness, I thought I was gonna die.
View Larger Map
Maybe that was a bad choice. Maybe. But we walked down Stockton to Pier 39. We saw the sea lions and Alcatraz was off in the distance. Visited some shops and took some pictures. Bird loved it.
As it got dark, we headed back to catch the bus back to the train station (and we missed the train but seconds and had to wait a half an hour for the next one). While waiting, we grabbed Subway to eat back at the hotel. Finally, we got back about 9 o'clock. We were sore and worn out. But, we had fun.
Meanwhile, while we were having fun, the boy was calling. He had the flu and was running a fever of 104. What could I do from so far away? I don't know.
Day 2:
The inn shuttle took us to Stanford to meet up with the researchers. Bird had some IQ tests and I had mounds of paperwork to fill out. I had my laptop along to work on my homework...which didn't really happen. At noon, we broke for lunch and, after eating, took a stroll over to see the Angel of Grief which led to comedic comments about the Weeping Angels from Dr. Who. Of course, now we know if we had just followed the path a little further, we'd have seen the mausoleum. Oh, well.
After lunch, we got to take a hike to go to the building where the practice MRI was set up and Bird was taught the games. Then, another hike to where she had an MRI done. She did well.
Shuttle picked us up at 5:30 or so, back to the hotel and then a stroll down the street to Taco Bell to pick up supper. Taco Bell out in CA is not nearly as good as Taco Bell here. Not enough fat and grease. Definitely affects the taste.
While all that was going on, the boy was texting. Huge snow storm back home. He was sick. What could I do about it? I don't know...
Day 3:
Back to Stanford. Today, we took a hike to get the paperwork filled out for blood work for Bird then back to the first psychiatry center. There, Bird had blood work drawn for a karyotype and then more cognitive testing. I had more questionaires to fill out. Joy, joy, joy! Break for lunch then back at it. In the afternoon, Bird had more cognitive testing and I got to have an IQ test with a research student from Canada. He had a lovely accent. :) I guess we'll find out how stupid I am after the results are in. :)
After that, we trekked over to the imaging center again for another MRI for Bird. She had her "games" to play while the MRI was a'working. I had learned from the treks the first day and didn't take my laptop.
Back to the hotel again about 5:30 and then down the street to McDonald's for supper. Again, the lack of grease and saturated fat is quite evident. It isn't nearly as tasty without those. *sigh*
Day 4:
Back to reality. No more beds that magically make themselves.
We get to the airport in plenty of time. Boarded the plane and sat there for half hour or more after our scheduled departure time. The plane was cram packed full. We were supposed to have an hour between planes at LAX which is when I thought we'd eat. We got there with minutes to spare to get on the next plane. I was hungry and grumpy. Fortunately, the plane was half empty for the last leg of our journey.
All in all, it was a great trip. The weather was warm and sunny. The staff of the study were friendly and professional. It was a fantastic experience and I hope we can participate in more research studies. I'm sold on these things after just one.
But, more than anything, in a couple of months we'll have the results and maybe it will help us to help Bird with her learning differences. I hope. I also hope that I passed my IQ test.
Day 1:
We were up early, early, early for our 6:25 AM (yes, AM as in morning) flight to California. Of course, as is per usual for us, we were late getting out of here and over to my brother's house (he was driving us to the airport). We get there with a whole half hour to spare and there was a HUGE line at the security checkpoint. Rats. Luckily, they opened up more lanes and we got through with no problems. I was worried about the growth hormone stuff but there was not a problem. Thank goodness.
The first leg of the journey was on a half full plane so Bird and I had a little row to ourselves. Got to Denver with no problems and switched planes. The plane from Denver to San Jose was also not full so there was some space there, too. This was important as it was on Southwest and they are not the largest seats out there.
Got to San Jose and our shuttle was right there to take us to the hotel. Bird was staring and soaking it all up as we drove to the hotel. And it was warm...so warm. Love the warmth!
Our reservations were at Creekside Inn. I love this place. I really, really do. There was a flat screen TV. And a comfy couch and chair. And fluffy, comfy beds that were self-making! And a balcony overlooking a creek! Oh, I could live there!!!
We got the directions to get to San Francisco to do some sightseeing and off we went. Along the way to the CalTrain station, we passed Microsoft and AOL. Hopped on the train and down to San Francisco. Caught the bus and hopped off around the corner from the Chinese gates at Grant and Bush. Bird got a new Chinese outfit (purple). We walked down (up?) the street to Pine then cut across to Stockton. Oh my goodness, I thought I was gonna die.
View Larger Map
Maybe that was a bad choice. Maybe. But we walked down Stockton to Pier 39. We saw the sea lions and Alcatraz was off in the distance. Visited some shops and took some pictures. Bird loved it.
As it got dark, we headed back to catch the bus back to the train station (and we missed the train but seconds and had to wait a half an hour for the next one). While waiting, we grabbed Subway to eat back at the hotel. Finally, we got back about 9 o'clock. We were sore and worn out. But, we had fun.
Meanwhile, while we were having fun, the boy was calling. He had the flu and was running a fever of 104. What could I do from so far away? I don't know.
Day 2:
The inn shuttle took us to Stanford to meet up with the researchers. Bird had some IQ tests and I had mounds of paperwork to fill out. I had my laptop along to work on my homework...which didn't really happen. At noon, we broke for lunch and, after eating, took a stroll over to see the Angel of Grief which led to comedic comments about the Weeping Angels from Dr. Who. Of course, now we know if we had just followed the path a little further, we'd have seen the mausoleum. Oh, well.
After lunch, we got to take a hike to go to the building where the practice MRI was set up and Bird was taught the games. Then, another hike to where she had an MRI done. She did well.
Shuttle picked us up at 5:30 or so, back to the hotel and then a stroll down the street to Taco Bell to pick up supper. Taco Bell out in CA is not nearly as good as Taco Bell here. Not enough fat and grease. Definitely affects the taste.
While all that was going on, the boy was texting. Huge snow storm back home. He was sick. What could I do about it? I don't know...
Day 3:
Back to Stanford. Today, we took a hike to get the paperwork filled out for blood work for Bird then back to the first psychiatry center. There, Bird had blood work drawn for a karyotype and then more cognitive testing. I had more questionaires to fill out. Joy, joy, joy! Break for lunch then back at it. In the afternoon, Bird had more cognitive testing and I got to have an IQ test with a research student from Canada. He had a lovely accent. :) I guess we'll find out how stupid I am after the results are in. :)
After that, we trekked over to the imaging center again for another MRI for Bird. She had her "games" to play while the MRI was a'working. I had learned from the treks the first day and didn't take my laptop.
Back to the hotel again about 5:30 and then down the street to McDonald's for supper. Again, the lack of grease and saturated fat is quite evident. It isn't nearly as tasty without those. *sigh*
Day 4:
Back to reality. No more beds that magically make themselves.
We get to the airport in plenty of time. Boarded the plane and sat there for half hour or more after our scheduled departure time. The plane was cram packed full. We were supposed to have an hour between planes at LAX which is when I thought we'd eat. We got there with minutes to spare to get on the next plane. I was hungry and grumpy. Fortunately, the plane was half empty for the last leg of our journey.
All in all, it was a great trip. The weather was warm and sunny. The staff of the study were friendly and professional. It was a fantastic experience and I hope we can participate in more research studies. I'm sold on these things after just one.
But, more than anything, in a couple of months we'll have the results and maybe it will help us to help Bird with her learning differences. I hope. I also hope that I passed my IQ test.
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