Blast from the past

Years ago, I used to do Erma Bombeckish essays about strange things that happened in my life. I have decided that, intermittently, I will repost them (in no particular order). Here is the first. The following is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Benevolent Being, in a fit of insanity, decided to get a dog. The Benevolent Being’s fits of insanity for things like this don’t disappear quickly. They linger and the insanity deepens until, finally, the Benevolent Being takes the plunge.

The Clan happily trekked to the Place Where Dogs Who Have Been Abandoned, Surrendered or Lost stayed while waiting for a Forever Family to take them home and love them forever. The Benevolent Being’s previous dogs had all been sweet and easy to train, desirous of nothing more than pleasing her (well, except for the dog as a teenager but he had character so he was forgiven his eccentricities). The Clan was excited (except for Joe Cool who believed that dogs were not appropriate to keep as pets, he’s a cat person). The College Daughter had gotten there first and already had a dog picked out that she liked. However, the dog did not like Joe Cool. Disappointed, she followed us back to the kennel to look at the dogs. The Benevolent Being liked one dog the children didn’t but she was concerned that he was already 12 years old…and twenty pounds or more overweight. They kept looking. Every dog that looked appropriate and excitedly wagged his tail as the Clan came into view quit wagging his tail as soon as Joe Cool appears. It seems the Canine World did not believe that Joe Cool belonged in a Forever Family.

In one cage, there was a lovely German Shepherd/Irish Setter mix, about a year old. The fur was the lovely red of an Irish Setter and there was a black arrow of fur on his forehead. His tail, what there was of it, was black with a little curl of fur on the end. He was adorable. Most importantly, he didn’t growl at Joe Cool.

So, a dog came to live with the House Churning Clan.

Part of the reason the Benevolent Being wanted a dog was that it would force her to walk and exercise. Here is a description of the walks that the Benevolent Being and the dog (heretofore known as Hell Hound) take.

“C’mon, baby, let’s go for a walk. Down! Sit!” Struggling to attach the leash. “No! Don’t eat the leash! Sit! Sit!”

“Slower!” Grabbing handrail to keep from falling down the stairs.

“Okay, let’s go. No, not that way. This way. Yes, you’re a good boy.” Walk ten steps. Stop.

“Let me know when you’re done. Good boy, you didn’t have an accident in the house. You’re such a good boy!” Patting dog on head. Looking up and down the street. Hell Hound is still busy with his liquid business. Checking watch. Looking up at sky to check for rain. “You’re done. Good boy! Let’s go!”

Walking down the sidewalk, Hell Hound is behaving well. Not pulling on the leash. Suddenly, the Benevolent Being sees movement out of the corner of her eye.

“Stop!” Struggling with the leash. “No! We’re not chasing squirrels! Sit!”

Hell Hound finally settles down and the walk continues, after a fashion.

“You don’t really and truly need to stop and smell every blade of grass.” Hell Hound ignores her and continues sniffing. “Stop and smell the roses is just an expression.” Hell Hound continues sniffing. The pace has slowed to a crawl. “Come…ON!” Pulling on the leash and walking away. Hell Hound reluctantly follows.

Turn the corner and start walking up the sidewalk. Hell Hound stops and sniffs then decides it is time to finish his business. When done, the Benevolent Being, being a good neighbor, pulls out a plastic bag to clean up after her darling dog.

Grrrrrrrrrrr. RRRRRooooooooowwwwwwwwwffffffff!!!! GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hell Hound begins barking and growling, pulling and straining at the leash. The Benevolent Being is trying to control Hell Hound while cleaning up the mess. She looks up to see who is growling at her darling and sees the front two legs and head of a massive Rottweiler hanging over the fence of the yard behind her. “Just shut up and let me do this!” she says through gritted teeth as she warily eyes the Rottie while trying to clean up the mess. GGggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr She tries to plan what she will do if this massive bundle of canine teeth comes soaring over the fence. She thinks, “Well, it was nice having a dog for a while, at least, cause that monster will eat him!”

Hell Hound, unafraid, is trying to get to the Rottie. Finally, the mess is picked up, after the Benevolent Being was pulled away from it several times. She pulls Hell Hound along. “Just walk. Let’s go. Just walk. Good boy. Yes, you’re a good boy. Calm down and just walk.” Her heart is pounding. Two feet past the yard, the Rottie loses interest and Hell Hound once again begins sniffing the grass as they walk.

“C’mon, let’s go. Up the hill. Good boy!”

Turn the corner and Hell Hound looks to his left and stops dead in his tracks. A low growl erupts from his throat. The Benevolent Being follows his gaze and sees…”C’mon, boy. Don’t growl at the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus.” She pats him and reassures him. “They won’t hurt you. Let’s just walk right by them. It’s okay. Don’t growl. You’ll make the Baby Jesus cry if you growl at him. Don’t be scared. Jesus won’t hurt you.” Reluctantly, Hell Hound slinks by the Nativity Scene behind the chain link fence, shivering with fear and whimpering.

“Such a big baby. Rottweilers don’t bother you but the Baby Jesus turns you into a bowl of jelly.”

“Stop sniffing the bushes! Let’s go!”

At the bus stop, a bus opens its doors. “NO! We. Are. Not. Getting. On. The. Bus.” Hell Hound finally understands and decides to keep walking with the Benevolent Being.

An SUV pulls into the driveway ahead and Hell Hound bounds forward excitedly. The Benevolent Being stops and holds onto the leash for dear life. Hell Hound ends up dancing on his hind feet. “No! They’re not taking you for a ride!” Hell Hound looks at her sadly and whines. “I don’t care. You can walk just as well as I can.”

They continue onward.

The Benevolent Being looks to see how much further it is before they finish circling the block and sighs in resignation. They’re only about a quarter of the way there.

It’s going to be a long, long walk. The Benevolent Being wonders how it is that she got a dog that listens and behaves as well as her children do.