Therapy...

Okay, I probably needed some therapy during the last 13 months. I've been rather boring, I think. I wanted to talk about the diagnosis, the ramifications, the frustrations, the fears, the anxiety. I did quite a bit but not like I really need to. It's hard to explain. I've been boring because I did talk about it a lot but it was in the course of conversation, not someone sitting with me and holding my hand and letting me get it all out. I needed someone to, just for a time, make this as big a deal for them as it was for Bird and me.

I remember telling one of the doctors I needed someone to tell me exactly what I needed to do when...it was all to overwhelming. He told me there was a chart in one of the pamphlets he gave me. No, that isn't what I meant! I meant I needed someone to take my hand and say, "We're going to do this now" and tell me how to deal with the problems and road bumps...because there are always road bumps.

I had flashes of what I needed along the way. A friend who took the time to talk to me on the phone and explain the karyotype results to me, the process of extracting and counting the chromosomes. My friends who acknowledged the difficulties we were dealing with with the beautiful gift basket. The school that listened and has been amazing. One of my brothers who picked up some of my mother's doctor visits. My son who lives in town who helped when I went out of town on vacation and when I was in the hospital. My significant other who took me on these marvelous vacations and listened patiently.

But that closet door I spoke about in an earlier post? It's bulging a bit at the frame, things are leaking out.

Driving to work the other day, there was a news report about teen pregnancy rates and costs. My eyes filled with tears. That was a worry I didn't really have. The chances of Bird having children that she gives birth to are not that good. I began to grieve the nonexistence of grandchildren I wouldn't have.

I see the other girls in her class and I ache. I see other 14 year olds, growing into physical maturity, and I hurt. Going into a restaurant and Bird being handed a kid's menu.

I'm having trouble seeing the silver linings and sunny streets right now. The crisis is over and I can now start to process and grieve what I thought would be and accepting what will be.

But, I look back over the last 13 months and I can pick out the silver linings and sunny streets. Bird is now a bit over 4'8 3/4" tall. She has grown 2 3/4 inches in the last year. Her school has put in place a 504 plan to deal with learning issues. We heard of a study at Stanford for girls with Mosaic Turner Syndrome studying the learning differences and are waiting to hear if we got in. Bird is accepting and matter of fact. The children issue doesn't affect her for the moment...she has been adamant for some time that there are too many children without parents out there and she wants to adopt. Her classmates are accepting of her and treat her as a 14 year old, no matter if she looks like a 10 year old. Her latest bone age was 10.5 years so we can still do the growth hormones for a while longer which will not only increase her height but help to strengthen her bones. Bird and I have been having fun working out on the Wii and have a friendly competition going. Bird has goals and ambitions and a road map of how to get there. I'll be on that journey with her and I'm looking forward to it. Well, maybe not all of it. She's planning on adopting a lot of kids and expects me to babysit while she's off being a paleontologist (guess I'll need to learn to spell that if things all work out) or an archeologist. And we'll need to discuss the whole I won't live with her when I'm old because she's putting me in a nursing home and going to Vegas, baby!

Yeah, we're on our way. I just need to get some spring cleaning out of the way, first. Like cleaning out that fear and anxiety closet and dealing with it so I can move forward. I need to learn to not freak out a bit when what I think will happen isn't the reality and to take the bright spots and hold them dear. Things like relishing not having to go back to the geneticist next year...Bird can wait two years before her next visit! And not stressing over her having to have a cardiac recheck every three to five years when I thought she was all clear on that front. Doing a happy dance because the scoliosis is still quite mild and the growth hormone isn't making that worse. Instead of stressing over the pimples she has begun to be plagued with, relishing that maybe this mean she is finally going to start physically maturing. Bird's already a lot more emotionally mature than I am in a lot of ways.

Folks, I am too old for this...